The Wizard Handbook

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(Taken from the original now defunct

Wizardry is a path of enlightenment that only a small percent of the human population is capable of walking. A simple condition is required to embark on this path: virginity. To be a virgin, a person must have abstained from acts of vaginal sex, oral sex, anal sex, mutual masturbation or other forms of non-penetrative sex, since birth. Virginity is the only requirement, for it grants the necessary purity to wield the magic of a wizard.

Wizardry is widely perceived as a fictional or occult practice in the modern world. However, some subcultures of the World Wide Web are beginning to jokingly embrace wizardry as a result of their involuntary celibacy. Among them are otakus and channers. This book is precisely intended for these subcultures in order to dispel the myths of wizardry, cast the facts about this ancient practice, and mentor a new generation of wizards.


A wizard is a human male who is at least 30 years old and has never had sex. In other words, it is a human male virgin. Virginity has a loose connotation, and in order to define a strict meaning, this book defines virginity as follows:

A virgin is a person who, in his entire life, has never engaged in acts of vaginal sex, oral sex, anal sex, mutual masturbation, or other forms of non-penetrative sex, with another living organism.

There are several distinctions for a wizard. A wizard apprentice is a human male virgin who is at least 20 but no greater than 29. An apprentice shares similar attributes with a wizard, but he does not enjoy wizardhood. Wizardhood is the status of being a wizard who has achieved control of magic. An apprentice can collect and regenerate his mana, but he cannot cast spells or control magic. While a male virgin who is 30 years or older has become a wizard, he has not necessarily reached wizardhood.

Mana is a wizard’s internal source of energy. It is partially expended when a magical spell is casted. Some magical spells may expend more mana than others. There are certain spells called passive spells that do not expend mana and are always active, whereas active spells are spells that expend mana and have a limited duration. An active spell may cast a buff on a designed target. A buff is a temporary effect that grants an attribute or modification to the target.

A wizard apprentice cannot cast any active spells, but he can use passive spells. An example of a passive spell is Succubus Shield, an invisible aura that partially repels the attractive forces of a female human. An apprentice who has trained diligently should be able to master the first rank of Succubus Shield. A spell’s rank is its magnitude (we will later define spell rank mathematically).

The inverse of a wizard is a succubus, a non-virgin female human. A succubus possesses similar magical traits, but whereas wizards derive their mana from virginity, succubi (plural) draw mana from humans through sexual intercourse, in a process known as mana harvest.

It is important to note that every human has the basic capacity of collecting and regenerating mana. However, their collection of mana is insignificant, and they cannot use magic. Wizards and succubi have the distinction that their mana pool is large enough to expend mana on magic.

Finally, a witch is a female virgin who is at least 30 years old. She is the female counterpart of a wizard. In contrast to wizards, witches are extremely rare, but can be as formidable in magical power as wizards. Similarly, witchhood is the status held by witches who can control magic. In modern times, wizards view witchhood as long extinct.


The origin of men is clouded in mystery, more so the intrinsic properties of magic. We do not know who the first wizard was, but there are fragments of ancient text that speak of magic and the unusual qualities of virginity. Thanks to the pioneering work of Sir Isaac Newton, we now know that wizards derive their mana from the earth itself. The history of wizardry is divided into two ages: the Ancient Period and the Modern Period.

Many thousands of years ago, wizardhood was not an unusual quality among wizards. In fact, the most prominent wizard organization of the time was called the Celibate Brotherhood. The Brotherhood was in constant war with the Virginslayers, a powerful family of inbred succubi who sought the slavery of all wizards.

Six thousand years ago, the Brotherhood was severely weakened by a massive defection known as Garnor’s Betrayal. A group of prominent wizards, led by Garnor, forged a secret pact with the Virginslayers. Garnor agreed to bring the Virginslayers an army of apprentices and wizards, who were to be harvested and sacrificed for their mana. In return, Garnor and his lieutenants were to wed succubi. According to legend, marriage between a wizard and a succubus stripped them entirely of magic, but gave them both youth and immortality.

The deal between them was struck, but after Garnor completed the end of his bargain, the Virginslayers spared no one, not even Garnor, from their mana harvest. Bolstered by the harvest, they marched into the Brotherhood’s monastery in an event known as the Sacking of the Brotherhood, murdering every last known wizard and burning every magic book that they could find.

The six thousand years period after that event is known as the Magic Winter, where no recorded or rumored wizard activity exists.

Modern Wizardry[edit]

The Magic Winter lasted until 1712, when Sir Isaac Newton, a virgin, rediscovered magic. He became the first wizard in six thousand years, and wrote his discoveries in an unpublished book titled Artis Magicae. In it, he explained the true nature of magic (that it is drawn from the earth) and detailed many ancient spells, laying the foundation for Modern Wizardry. Most importantly, he discovered that a human must be a virgin of at least age 30 to wield magical energies. As a result, Newton is considered the Father of Modern Wizardry.

Artis Magicae helped start a new age of wizards, but it would take several centuries before the first organization of wizards in six thousand years is created. Stored in nameless libraries until 1958, Artis Magicae landed on the hands of a Buddhist monk named Eido Selandir. Selandir, a virgin, lead an austere life of celibacy and meditation, and often spent his leisure reading archaic books. Upon reading Artis Magicae, he spent years in isolation studying the text in hopes of unlocking his wizard potential. Selandir succeeded his rigorous self-training and founded the Order of Wizards, the first order of wizards in six thousand years.

The Order of Wizards flourished and became an occult sanctuary of apprentices and mentors alike to unlock and hone their supernatural powers for the purpose of celibacy and austerity. Selandir ascended to the rank of an Archmage, as his knowledge reached new heights not charted by even Newton. Many wizards also grew in power.

The Fall of Selandir[edit]

There were forces unbeknownst to the Order that grew jealous of the Order’s energies. They were the Scarlet Succubi, an ancient cult of youthful, attractive females capable of seducing any man; their youthfulness a mere illusion sustained by magic. The Scarlet Succubi was founded several hundred years ago by the last successors of the declining Virginslayers. The Scarlets infiltrated the Order disguised as gender-queer males, methodologically seducing every naive apprentice, slowly weakening the Order’s ranks. It wasn’t long until even high ranking wizards fell to their irresistible seduction. Their gradual plan had worked. Selandir and his most trusted aides were one of the few wizards in the Order that had not succumbed to temptation. Every other wizard lost their power, and most were incapable of admitting it.

Selandir uncovered the infiltration far too late. He summoned every member of the Order to the meeting hall and unveiled the disguised Succubi with an ancient spell. The Succubi retaliated, and a great battle of magic ensued.

The Order was already too weak to face the Succubi, and they fell to the overwhelming spells of seduction. Selandir was the last wizard to stand firmly in celibacy. His iron will could not be broken, so they enslaved him. The Succubi succeeded, and the Order was no more. It is not known if Selandir still lives.

Today, a recent internet organization known as Wizardchan is welcoming any apprentice and wizard into their community. It’s uncertain if they will grow to the heights of previous wizard organizations.